My sister in law Sarah came for a visit this week and it has been a great time to get some photos of the little one! She is so creative and always capturing cute little pics that put a big smile on my face! What a beauty this little Canon Joy is!

Canon Joy 12-12-12
Photo by Sarah Moritz

"So, you mentioned that presents are a small part of Christmas? I think I'm cute enough to qualify for a big ol' stash!"
Photo by Sarah Moritz

Worriers Anonymous....it's a real thing!

Sometimes you just have one of those days....and YES, I do want to complain about it! Yesterday we found a hole in our wood floor that could indicate termites, today our car had to be towed to the dealer for mechanical issues, this afternoon we got a red light ticket in the mail with a whopping $490 fee for doing a rolling stop for a right on red AND to top the day off our dog had to undergo a SUPER groom and flea bath because she somehow ended up full of those pesky little buggers!

It was definitely one of those days that will make you feel like you could have at least two glasses of wine and not feel bad about it! I think I can safely say that I am ready to say Goodbye to 2012 and Hello to 2013. 2012 has been one of the most challenging years of my life and sometimes I just have to remind myself to put things in perspective. I don't think it's a stretch to say that often times life will just literally kick you in the ass and the stress you feel in those moments is so intense it feels like it will take you down! I've certainly been no stranger to those moments this year.

So, the day is winding down and I am thinking that there are two things I need to get better at. One is prayer and Two is reading scripture. It's funny how I always try to alleviate stressors myself through deep breathing and quiet, taking a "time out" and slowing down for a couple of minutes (which, if you know me is not something I usually do..I don't really go slowly...anywhere.....ever HA!). All those things are great but usually the stress is still there. Tonight, I read Matthew 6:25-27 and it REALLY resonated with me. "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?"

That's pretty powerful stuff. First of all, totally TRUE-we cannot add a single MINUTE to our lives through worry and really, what does worrying solve? NOTHING! I am a big worrier, I am sure my fellow worriers can relate, I almost feel like if I don't worry about something NOT happening and then it does happen then I didn't worry enough to prevent it....WAIT...Who's on first?? Seriously, it is SO ridiculous! I just googled worrier to make sure I was spelling that right and Worriers Anonymous popped up...clearly, this is a problem with a broader audience then even I expected.

Ok, so back to the verse. We're told that birds neither sow nor reap and yet our Father feeds them and of course we are much more valuable then they. I was reminded once again that I cannot change anything by worrying and God is sufficient for all our needs. That's a pretty tough concept to grasp in the digital age where self help is around every corner and just a few clicks away on your MAC or PC! We've got these every day stressors...learning how to be parents, things going wrong with the car and house and trying to balance working with being good parents and then there's the under current of the BIG SURGERY looming for Canon in January.

2012 has been a little rough but it's good to take a step back and revel in all of the GOOD God has done! He brought our sweet Canon through so many challenges....and yes, some of them I did not have the foresight to worry about! Now, we are blessed to wake up to this smiling face every morning!

 Canon Joy is doing awesome and bringing us happiness, laughs, love and joy every single day! On January 18 she'll go in for open heart surgery at Children's Hospital in Los Angeles and although we are nervous we know that God has His hand on her and will bring her through this just as he has brought her through every other challenge she has faced! YUP, she's a rock star!

So what's REALLY important? God, Family, Friends, Living in this wonderful FREE country and taking time every day to ENJOY your kids. That last one is much harder then it sounds! You want to enjoy and soak up every minute but life just gets in the way. I try to remind myself everyday to just slow my roll and enjoy Canon discovering new things, like eating rice cereal for the first time!

Where does the time go???

I've decided not to try and catch up! This is Canon Joy in pictures.....

We've Come a Long Way Baby!
Canon Joy 3 days old

Canon Joy had her first heart surgery on August 24th, 2012. She was 2 1/2 months old and she weighed 5 pounds.

Getting Some Snuggles with Daddy before Surgery

Getting some Grammy time before surgery

Papa visits with Canon before Surgery

This is the first day Canon could Breath
9/06/12

Canon ended up having a PDA ligation (basically, they closed of a duct that was open and letting blood flow from the pulmonary artery into the aorta) The surgery went great but afterwards Canon got a pseudomonas infection from the tubing used to intubate her. The infection caused her throat to swell almost completely shut and she could not breath. The doctors gave  her round after round of steroids followed by breathing treatments every hour, it was painful to watch her struggling to breath for over 13 days......this little girl is my HERO! Her airway was literally the size of a needle, she dealt with that for 13 days before they figured out what was going on and she got some relief!


As soon as Canon was on the mend we were able to move her to our home hospital, Queen of the Valley in West Covina.

Canon Joy spent a total of 115 days in the NICU; 3 months at Children's Hospital of Los Angeles and 1 month at Queen of the Valley in West Covina

On October 8, 2012 Canon came HOME.

Yes, we're aware that our daughter resembles a gangster.....you try taking a red head out in the sun for the first time!!

One Month Old!

I started writing this on Canon's one month birthday and I didn't want to miss the milestone so even though she'll be six weeks this Saturday I decided to post it anyway! 


I can't say I wasn't hoping for a less tragic looking photo for my daughters one month birthday but life is what it is in the NICU! As you can see Canon's red hair is really making an appearance in this photo! She is weighing in at 3 pounds 9 ounces and is a little over 15 inches long. She's a hot body in her current accommodations, the NICU isolette, so we still can't dress her up in any clothes but I am sure the day is drawing near where she will be one well dressed Children's Hospital guest! 

Like any preemie in the NICU Canon's progress has been slow and at times we take one step forward and two steps back. Last Sunday we learned that Canon no longer had the coarctation of the aorta that she was originally transferred to CHLA for. This is a HUGE answer to prayer, the coarctation is an urgent issue and typically requires surgery immediately. The doctors were monitoring Canon daily and doing echocardiograms every couple of days to make sure she wasn't going into heart failure and hoping she could get to 4 pounds before surgery. As it turns out, I believe God healed her from that and now we have more time for her to grow for the other surgery she needs. She will still need open heart surgery to address the hole between her right and left ventricle and they'll close off another hole straddling the aorta at the same time. Every little milestone is so exciting and we can't wait to bring our little one home!

It's Confirmed....Canon is a Super Hero!

Photo by Kevin Still

When I was little I had a lot of little dramas I used to star in, little plays I made up in my head where I was a Russian Refugee running from the gestapo,  Nadia Comaneci scoring the first perfect ten on the uneven bars; and of course one where I was WONDER WOMAN! I am proud to report that I have retained one super power from my early years and my daughter has picked up right where I left off. Today I went in to see her and the cardiologist said, holy cow! She is really gaining weight! It's like you have super breast milk! She's 3 pounds 4 ounces today. I DO have super breast milk.....oh yeah....and God working miracles so our daughter can just rock this heart surgery right on out! Little Canon is just surprising us everyday and we are not the only ones! This angel faced little red head is gaining weight like a champ and we are so in love with her! 
I know God is powerful, He can do anything. When He works miracles for your child though it just feels really unbelievable! I just cannot wait to see who Canon will grow up to be and what kinds of things she will do! And don't you just love those little almond shaped eyes? So exotic! I'm getting to hold Canon for about 2 hours a day now. She's gaining weight and seems to be holding her body temp pretty well. She's been a little hot lately so no clothes yet but I am hoping to begin playing dress up immediately! I think she really loves her mommy time, skin to skin as they call it in the hospital but what I have been really amazed by is her connection with her daddy! My friend that's an audiologist told me yesterday that babies can actually hear their dads voices better in the womb because of how low they are. It is amazing how if she is crying or upset and Kevin starts to sing to her or talk to her she just stops and stares at him or calms right down. It is very heart warming, like my very own home made Hallmark Sunday Night Special. I love it! Every daddy should have a daughter that gets him wrapped around her little finger!

Photo by Kevin Still

Canon's First Little Booties
Photo By Kevin Still
Hand Modeling by Sarah Dykema

Welcome to the World Canon Joy

Welcome to the World Canon Joy Still

One June 16, 2012 at 8:11AM our beautiful Canon Joy entered the world kicking and screaming! I do not say that figuratively! I ended up having a C-Section at 34 weeks because Canon had been diagnosed with severe intrauterine growth restriction, she was the size of a 26 week old baby. I was surprised by how quickly the whole C-Section process goes down! One minute I was on the table sitting up, getting the epidural and literally 5 minutes later I was flat on my back and the doctor was saying......"Oh, she's just gonna jump right out of here!" The NICU team and neonatologist had met with us the night before Canon's birth and told us they would have a crash cart set up outside the delivery room. They said, "now don't expect her to cry or move, don't get nervous if you don't hear anything, we're going to take her right outside and work on her and if she is stable we'll bring her in for a picture. She's really little so sometimes it takes us a couple of minutes to get the baby going." 


The night before Canon was born I don't think Kevin or I slept more than an hour. I prayed constantly the whole time that my daughter would come out screaming. When the doctor popped her over the curtain after he pulled her out, her mouth was wide open, she spit some junk up on my face and let out a tiny little cry. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and I hope I never forget it! In that moment I knew that God had answered the prayers of the many that have prayed for Canon's safe arrival over these long months. The long hospital stay prior to her birth, all of the scary doctor visits, all the moments of uncertainty and worry culminated in the sound of that little lady entering the world. The neonatologist came in a couple of minutes after Canon was born shaking his head with a huge grin on his face. He said, "Wow, sometimes you prepare for everything and nothing happens! Your baby is doing great! She's breathing room air and has an Apgar score of 9! We're going to bring her in in just a moment and you can  see her." 


Our tiny Canon weighed 2 pounds 8 ounces and was 14.75 long. She is tiny but MIGHTY as my mom would say. When the nurse brought her in and put her next to my face I could not believe there could be a face so small! She was just perfect! Perfect little button nose, we call it the Moritz nose because everyone in my family has it and we get it from my dad. Everything else on Canon so far looks like her dad! She is Kevin's little mini me from the red hair to the little bow lips, even the same chin! I could see she looked just like him from the 3D ultrasounds but to see it up close and personal is awesome! She has these super long fingers, long arms and long legs. She really just looks like a perfect baby but a micro version! 


Canon was moved to Children's Hospital in Los Angeles when she was five days old. When she was born the pediatric cardiologist discovered that her aorta was narrow, to narrow to pump blood to the rest of the body on it's own. Amazingly, the hole that is in every baby's heart, called the PDA that closes at birth was still open allowing the aorta to the pump the blood it needs to the rest of the body. Her PDA has thus far remained large, normally they wouldn't feed a baby that has an open PDA but rather close it up prior to feeding. In Canon's case we need her to eat so she can get larger because the surgery on her aorta will be an open chest surgery. The doctors have been walking a fine line, increasing her feeds every other day, slowly, so she can gain weight while not compromising other systems. It is a complex process. CHLA is an amazing hospital, Canon is getting great care. 


Canon is a miracle, our own little slice of heaven on earth. Despite all of the miracles that have already been granted, I want more. I want to bring my baby home, not visit her in the hospital every day. I want to be able to nurse her myself, not pump milk every two hours for a nurse to put into a tube inserted in her nose that goes into her stomach. I want to be able to dress my baby in little clothes and put her to sleep at night and I want to know that when she's awake, we are the faces she sees, not strangers. It's not easy being a "Stay at Hospital Mom" and sometimes I feel like I've had just about enough of all of the character building experiences life has thrown my way. But the bottom line is, Canon is in God's hands. He has put her in the care of wonderful doctors and nurses that are making sure she comes home to Kevin and I, and she will. Eventually, this stay in the NICU will be like my stay at the hospital before I had her, just a distant memory. I know things could always be worse and Canon is really doing amazingly well, God gives us each what we can handle. My sister in law compiled all of the pictures and videos from Canon's first week of life and made us the beautiful video of Canon I posted. We are immeasurable blessed to have this little one in our lives and we are incredibly grateful for all for all of the love, support and especially all of the prayers we have received and continue to receive!

Could Someone Please Switch the Light at the End of the Tunnel to ON?

Photo by Kevin Still

It's official! I have successfully completed 3 weeks of what I have now learned will be my 7 week hospital stay! With the support, love and decorations of family and friends I have not only survived but thrived in this little room of anticipation! Ok....thrived may be going a little overboard but I have only had a couple of meltdowns and thanks to the many visits from my dear friends and family I am only slightly worse for the wear! My room is all decorated up with cute little onsies, flowers, weird little colored paper mache balls, cards, a 3D picture of our baby and finished off with a cute little tree applique on my bathroom door. My bathroom even has a laundry hamper and some meadow scented soap thanks to my friend Martha Stewart and her apprentice June Cleaver. I have been especially impressed with our friends dedication to visiting this little slice of paradise, also known as room 1114. When you're on the "outside" as I now like to call it, time goes so fast and I think if I were on the other side of this hospital stay it would be so easy to let a week or two slip by and feel like it was only a snapshot; however I can assure you, as the one on the "inside" wearing pajamas all day and eating salad that CLEARLY came out of a Jolly Green Giants bag, one or two weeks may as well be a decade and I will be eternally grateful to those that have consistently gone out of their way to visit me and lift my spirits daily!! One can only watch so much Netflix and read so many books.


In other news, it sounds like our little one will be arriving via C-Section sometime within the next 3-4 weeks! The doctor has not given us an exact date yet but now that the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel has been switched on, my mood has improved significantly!


I promised some pics of the AMAZING baby shower my friends and family threw for me in May. It was EPIC if I do say so myself! I have to admit I feel a bit frightened for the day when any of these lovely ladies gets pregnant and I have to do the showering because I am not nearly as creative as they were! It was an amazingly beautiful day and I couldn't have asked for better company! Thanks to Sarah, Shelly, Kim, Amy, Sarah M and Mom for welcoming my daughter in such style!! 

Shelly, Kim, Joni and Sarah
Photo by Tangled Joy Photography

Photos by Tangled Joy Photography

Thank God for Modern Medicine AND insurance!

Canon Joy in 3D 05-16-12

I'm sitting here listening to the rhythmic gallop of Canon's heartbeat on the monitor tethered to my bed at Queen of the Valley hospital. It's comforting to hear those steady thumps and swooshes of movement while I lay here and I enjoy looking at Canon's most recent ultrasound a couple of times a day because our daughter is quite cute if I do say so myself!
On May 16th we went in to see our perinatologist and little C had absent blood flow in her cord again and did not have any growth. Because of her heart defect, the fluid on her brain and her very small size the doctor said it would be best to head into the hospital for monitoring, steroids to help the babies lungs develop and bed rest. I am praying for a miracle for our little girl, I know she's in God's hands and He has plans for her life! It's hard to be surrounded by these pale blue walls and machines....especially since I am only on DAY 2!! I am just going to have to find some new hobbies....perhaps internet gambling or online gaming! 
This afternoon we had a visit with the Neonatologist (a doctor that takes care of preemies). Kevin dubbed him Dr. Bummerstien but despite his monotone delivery he gave us good information and helped us understand more what Canon's stay in the NICU might involve. He discussed the different complications that can arise for a preemie baby and the conditions associated with Down Syndrome. I was really hoping to hear some outcomes on babies like ours but I guess she's a special case, he could only speak to the challenges of preemies and the challenges of babies with Down Syndrome, he said he doesn't often have those conditions present simultaneously and each situation is unique. He assured us that this is a state of the art facility with excellent surgeons and Canon will be in good hands!
There are certainly a lot of conditions that could become a reality should she born premature and the fact that she has Down Syndrome further complicates matters but we are still optimistic! Why worry about things that may or may not happen? Now that I am on some serious bed rest...not much moving around in the hospital; I have realized what a swimmer Canon is! She is only measuring 27 weeks to my 30 week gestation so she has quite a bit of room in my tummy and she has been using ALL of it. She has been giving the nurses doing the heart monitoring a RUN for their money! Every time they catch her she swims away and we end up spending 25 minutes trying to get her to stay in one spot so her heart can be monitored. Even though it's frustrating, it kind of makes me laugh...little stinker just won't sit still!

Dessert Sunset
Photo By Kevin Still

Speaking of swimmers! In other news, my entire family came for a visit for my baby shower (more on that beautiful day later!) last weekend. We spent a little time in Palm Springs sunning and swimming with lounging for me! It was wonderful to have my family with me and the giggles and shouts of my nieces and nephews totaling 6 in all now really raised my spirits! 
All the kids were absolute fishes! It was so fun to see them all interacting and playing together. Madelyn is my brothers oldest, she'll be turning five in August and Micah is my sisters oldest, he turned five in April and they sure do have A LOT to talk about these days! Hilarious conversations ensued as well as dousing each other at every opportunity with the super soakers provided by Grammy and Papa. Livia is my sisters two year old daughter and she is quite the swimmer! Already going underwater by herself and she loves her some goggles!! I just love spending time with all of these kiddos and I feel so blessed that I have a family that took the time and made the effort to cart their three kids each to California for some family time! Not to mention Grammy and Papa who stopped in on their way to Thailand...it's going to a long three weeks for them, such travelers they are now!

Livia Joy Loves Goggles
Photo by Kevin Still

I don't want to brag too much but I am pretty sure I have the cutest nieces and nephews this side of the USA!!

My brother Josh's Adorable Family
Photo By Sarah Moritz

My sister Amy's Beautiful Family

"Welcome to Holland"

Photo By Kevin Still

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

The Serenity Prayer is something I have seen and read over and over and yet never really reflected on. I guess I thought it was cliche but then cliches are cliche for a reason right? Phrases, poems and stories become cliche because they resonate with large groups of people and thus become overused and eventually begin to lose their original meaning. Today I was thinking about how to handle things that are out of my control and this prayer just popped into my head. I realized that sometimes despite my best intentions to the contrary I end up beating my head against a wall trying to change things I have no control over. I think this prayer is a poignant reminder that part of what it takes to be happy is my ability to understand and remember that while circumstances may be out of my control I can focus on what is in my control, my response to the situation. It's a constant battle because we all have people or circumstances that we really want to change but ultimately have no control over. I worked with a woman many years ago that was super disorganized, didn't have what I would characterize as a great work ethic and had what I thought was this wild personality when interacting with customers. I kept trying to change how she did things and change them to my way of doing things, mostly because I foolishly thought my way was the right way or a better way and of course she would be much more successful if she was just doing things my way. I actually feel really guilty about that now because I've come to realize that her way worked. It worked for her. It would not have worked for me and I wouldn't have liked running my business that way but it worked for her. I think about these things often now because lately I've really been having to find the joy and the beauty in the unexpected and out of control! Becoming a mom means that someday soon I am going to have a little person in my house that is going to have her very own way of doing things and I may want her to do it my way and she may not want or be able to do it my way. I've been praying that God will give me the grace and love to let things be out of my control…….There's a well known essay called "Welcome to Holland" written by Emily Kingsely about having a child with a disability. The piece is given by many organizations to new parents of children with special-needs. The essay employs a metaphor of excitement for a vacation to Italy that becomes a disappointment when the plane lands instead in Holland.
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
The metaphor is that the trip to Italy is a typical birth and child-raising experience, and that the trip to Holland is the experience of having and raising a child with special-needs.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
In the end, however, the reader sees that the "trip" is still well worth it and comes to the realization: But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
I really love that essay.

Life is like a box of chocolates....you never know what you're gonna get

Ok, so I'll admit....sadly that's not us in the picture BUT it is what we FELT like doing yesterday after we left the pediatric cardiologists office at Children's Hospital in Orange County yesterday! Our little Canon is not going to wait until she is born to make an impact on this world, just like her dad she likes to be unique! I think she has decided that she will begin her testimony of God's power and love at the earliest opportunity....the womb!
Yesterday we went in for our second fetal echocardiogram to check on the status of Canon's heart. It's really amazing that these doctors can see a heart inside of a body that's inside of a body and is currently the size of a grape! Anyway, the last time we went to the doctor he said he saw a large hole between her right and left ventricle, her atrial valve was small and her aorta was too narrow to pump blood outside of the womb. Inside, she can use my blood. All of this was scary but he said outcomes were very positive, she would just need surgery when she is born and several throughout childhood to work on these heart problems. We have been prepping ourselves for a major NICU stay at birth. 
The doctor didn't say much during our fetal echo yesterday except, wow this baby is active...he said that about 10 times. I think she was playing tag with the sonogram wand, either that or I swear she can hear it because she was really getting wild in there! At any rate, we weren't sure if we should take his silence as a bad sign or a good sign. As soon as we were done he took us into another room and and sat us down.........ominous..........then he said. "Well, here's what I see. I see your other cardiologists report and I see there was narrowing of that aorta but from what I can tell that is no longer there. I also see that there was a large VSD (hole) between the right and left ventricle and now it is moderate and....." he hesitates a bit here....."well there's some tissue hanging out near the hole, so it's possible it may grow over it." 
WHAT?? So, doctor, are you saying that her heart problems are not quite as problematic as before?? She may NOT need surgery when she's born? And he said the sweetest words "At this point, she has a lot of growing to do, no guarantee but I think she's going to be fine."
Kevin and I were just grinning the whole time he was talking. My faith was really not big enough to accept that God would heal OUR baby. I've been praying and praying that He would but I've also had to be practical and prepare in case He has another plan. I know there's still no guarantee that she won't need surgery, this is just a vast improvement from her fetal echo a month ago but I can see God answering the prayers of the MANY that have gathered in His name to pray for the healing of Canon and that is just AWESOME. 
A couple of years ago I used to do hot yoga for 90 minutes everyday. Those clases were never easy but they taught me a lot about perseverance; when it got tough and I felt like I wasn't going to make it I learned to just breathe focus on the end and breathe. Training for a half marathon is the same way, it doesn't matter how fast you go or if you run the whole way but you must finish each workout (let's not get crazy, I still have no desire to run a FULL marathon!!). Each time I've finished something challenging I've known that the next time I encounter a challenge I will be able to do something even harder because I got stretched. I can admit that I have been stretched pretty thin these last 6 months and I continue to be unsure of what's going to happen with Canon. I pray all the time that God gives me more faith and carries me through this pregnancy and helps me be the best mom I can be when she's born. I've been amazed at the strong will of this little one to keep going against all the odds! I've been amazed that God is answering our prayers, I guess I'm always amazed when God answers my prayers because I know that I've done nothing to deserve it, it's all by grace. 
I guess Forest Gump's mom had it right after all......Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get! Even though it may not be the chocolate you were hoping for, it's still sweet and it still tastes good!

It's the Small Things

 "Big Biscuit Gets a Bath" Photo by Kevin Still

This morning at 4am I woke suddenly and remembered, Oh No, we left our car on the street in front of our house.  On the mean streets of my neighborhood that is a BIG no no and you will get a ticket. Thus, when we jumped into our car this morning to head to the doctors office I was un-phased to see a FAT $75 ticket on my windshield....The thought did cross my mind however....since when is it appropriate for a city to give you a $75 ticket for parking in front of your own house? Then again, in our old neighborhood the car would have been gone so I guess a ticket is a step up! 

The cameras kept rolling and when we got home from the doctors office this afternoon there was a pink letter stuck in my front door...hmm, what could this be? Well, I'll tell you what it was dog lovers! The city now requires you to have a license for your pet and if you don't you are assessed fee after fee totaling up to a WHOPPING $160.....for a dog.  

The last thing I did tonight before I moved from couch to bed this evening was walk into my kitchen for a glass of water...I thought, hmmm, it smells musty in here! I decided to check under the sink and low and behold, what did I see but a puddle of water. Not exactly the glass of water I was in search of.

I thought it was funny though because none of these things really bothered me as much as they normally would! I said to Kevin,"Hey! A lot of things are going wrong today and he said "No they're not! Today is a great day!" and you know what?? It was!! 

What do I say to these three inconveniences today? AKOONAMATATA friends! It's from the Lion King for those of you that need to brush up on your Disney! It's funny how growing a little human inside of you gives you perspective on life! I say Akoonamatata because we went to the doctor today and he said there was a big improvement in little Canon's blood flow and she had grown!!!! This little lady has been kickin' those small little heels up in my belly all day long. In fact, I should have stopped on the way home to purchase some tiny, pink cowboy boots for this little lass because she is going to need them when she gets here! So, despite the challenges of the day I am going to bed thanking the Lord that our little girl is growing once again! Thanks to everyone for your prayers!

    

The Importance of Hope

Canon's Mom at 26 Weeks
 Photo by Kevin Still

Have you every considered the importance of hope in your life? Life is not an easy road, there will be a lot of challenges and I've begun to see hope as a way to propel yourself through even the most difficult of circumstances. 
This morning we're heading out to see the doctor again....you know the one, the scary perinatologist, the guy with the gloom and doom bad news?? Anyway, I was reflecting a bit on my mental state because I realized I felt hopeful. I thought that was funny because typically I operate under the delusion that every difficult situation I have in my life can be solved by MY actions, I can study harder,  I can prepare and I think I can MAKE something better. I was thinking this morning that part of the reason this pregnancy is so frustrating is because I feel so helpless! It doesn't matter what I read or prepare because ultimately Canon's life is not controlled by me and that got me thinking....why do I feel helpless but NOT hopeless?
I remembered a verse this morning and of course I had to look it up, but the Bible also talks about hope and faith together in Hebrews 1:1: Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.  I am not a theologian so don't hold me to my interpretation of verses but I was reminded that HOPE comes from God and it is important but hope also comes from within. I know that even though I cannot see the outcome ahead of me or what will happen today, tomorrow or the next day I have the assurance that God is in control of the outcome and He will give us the hope and strength to get through life. That's the strange thing about hope, you don't hope for what you DO see but for what you DON'T see....kind of like faith. My hope has to be in God's goodness and grace that He sees the outcome and it's what Kevin and I need; maybe not what we want but most certainly what He has planned for us. Here's HOPING for a good appointment!

  

Day 5 of Bed Rest

I have now completed day five of my 14 days of bed rest to see if blood flow will increase to our little babe and I have to say I REALLY miss running! I know that there are A LOT of people out there praying for our little Canon and that makes this process easier BUT....I still miss running. I just miss running around....I miss running down my stairs, I miss running in my neighborhood, I miss jumping in the car to run an errand and mostly I miss doing things for myself. We have been overwhelmed and incredibly blessed by the support we have received from family and friends. Family calling in every day to check in on how we're doing and how I'm feeling and friends that have been SO very generous in bringing by meals despite their busy lives and obligations to their own families. I really don't know what I would do if we didn't have all of these amazing people rallying around us to support us, it's been a pretty awesome experience. All that being said.....I am still signing up for a HALF marathon when this little one is out safe and sound and home with us. SO.....who's comin' with me???

I'm really not in charge..............

Just in case I thought I had any control over the outcome of this pregnancy I was reminded again today that I am definitely not in charge. I continue to have these delusions that I can do something, think something or will something to be different.....and that is just not the reality we are facing. Today we saw our perinatologist again, that's an obstetrician that manages high risk pregnancies. He really is a great doctor but he continues to tell us things that we just DO NOT want to hear. Our little CJ is hanging there, I can feel her moving around and kicking as I sit here to write this so I know she is a fighter. Today we learned that her growth has slowed dramatically and she is not getting the blood she needs from the placenta to sustain life and grow. Now we've been sent home to wait. I'm on bed rest and we'll go back next week to monitor blood flow again and in the mean time just keep praying that God will restore that blood flow. If I was further along the doctor could monitor Canon in the hospital and deliver her if her heart slowed but he says she can't make outside of the womb yet and so we wait......It's really not easy to have faith during times like these, I have no guarantee that God will give me the outcome I so desperately want. Our pastor mentioned in a sermon the other day that having faith means grabbing on to that skinny tree branch during a fall and not being sure that it can hold your weight. It's true, I'm just hanging on for dear life here, knowing that without faith I have nothing and trusting that God is going to catch me no matter what happens. God gave Canon life and I know He cherishes her, it may be His plan that I get to bring her into this world and it may not be. I just have to have the faith that whatever happens God is going to bring us through it. This is a letter I wrote to Canon last week...............

Dear Canon,

Yesterday I was getting ready for work and I put on a very special necklace Uncle Josh and Auntie Sarah gave me. I had thought the little gold charm hanging from it was a leaf but as I was putting it on I noticed it was a wing, an angel wing. The first 10 weeks of my pregnancy while you were growing in my tummy you had a twin with you. Because of your twin our OB sent us to see a very special doctor that knows all about babies growing in mommy’s tummies. When we saw that doctor he was able to tell right away how special you were going to be and at just 12 weeks he was able to see that there may be a tiny hole in your heart. Sometimes it’s really hard to understand why God gives us things and then takes them away. Sometimes you think you got something extra to redeem something lost, only to have the extra thing taken away also. Canon, trusting God, loving God and having faith do not preclude you from pain or suffering but what it will do is give you the strength, love and HOPE to move beyond loss and pain. That’s what God has given me. Every trial I’ve faced has developed faith and perseverance that is unexplainable and in the face of many challenges I find myself feeling joy I can’t explain and I know that only comes from God because it can’t possibly come from my heart. Daddy and I are really excited to meet you, we can’t wait to be your parents. Love, Mom

Consider it PURE JOY my brothers when you face trials of many kinds....

Canon Joy 3-14-12

It's amazing what science can reveal these days. Most likely, if you would have told our parents 30 years ago that someday they would be able to see what their child looked like in the womb, at the ripe old age of 20 weeks they would have taken you for a nutcase. With advances in modern technology we can spy on our little ones quite rightly from the time they are conceived, it's mostly awesome but it can also be stressful. This is a 3D image of our little Canon Joy at just 20 weeks. This is my first child and my first time being pregnant. Kevin and I have been married for over 10 years and have always wanted a family. I never considered that getting pregnant would be all that hard or take all that long, but it was and it did. When we finally became pregnant I never really considered that every ultrasound would result in ominous scenarios of everything that could possibly go wrong with our unborn baby, but it has. From our first ultrasound at 12 weeks with the perinatologist there have been markers for Down Syndrome. It's been a stressful and scary ride and finally on 3-14-12 Canon was diagnosed with Down Syndrom and a congenital heart defect......very scary things for the new parent. I found myself angry, terrified, sad and worried, what did Down Syndrome really mean? What did the heart defect mean? There were so many thoughts that went through my head when we received this diagnosis. Why were Kevin and I being robbed of the "joy" of being pregnant with our first baby? 

The day I lost my youngest sister in a car accident was the hardest day of my life and the day we learned of Canon's diagnosis was the second hardest. That day I felt like I lost a child too, the one I had dreamed of having, and I felt SO guilty for even thinking those kind of thoughts. I've realized over the past couple of weeks though that you can't cure normal; I think that every parent has dreams for their unborn child, and at some point, be it in the womb or later in life those dreams will have to change. Everyday I wake up and God has given me more peace about the daughter I am going to have, everyday I wake up with a little more joy in my heart. I've realized that though our lives will look very different now than we had envisioned, this is the child that we're supposed to have. Regardless of what challenges lay ahead for our family, God will give us the perseverance, strength, love and hope to take them on. Canon still has a lot of growing to do before she arrives and everyday she kicks harder and harder! When we received the news of Canon's diagnosis from our OB we were on the way to see the perinatologist, we were pretty devastated during that drive and about half way to the office Canon just started kicking away, "MOM! Hey Mom!! I am in here and I am going to be OKAY! I am going to be special, I am a FIGHTER, don't you count me OUT!" Feeling her kick inside me reminded me that I'm still going to have a little girl! She's going to have feelings, hopes, dreams and talents and Kevin and I are going to love her and I know as soon as we hold her in our arms she'll be the most beautiful little girl we've ever seen.