I'm really not in charge..............

Just in case I thought I had any control over the outcome of this pregnancy I was reminded again today that I am definitely not in charge. I continue to have these delusions that I can do something, think something or will something to be different.....and that is just not the reality we are facing. Today we saw our perinatologist again, that's an obstetrician that manages high risk pregnancies. He really is a great doctor but he continues to tell us things that we just DO NOT want to hear. Our little CJ is hanging there, I can feel her moving around and kicking as I sit here to write this so I know she is a fighter. Today we learned that her growth has slowed dramatically and she is not getting the blood she needs from the placenta to sustain life and grow. Now we've been sent home to wait. I'm on bed rest and we'll go back next week to monitor blood flow again and in the mean time just keep praying that God will restore that blood flow. If I was further along the doctor could monitor Canon in the hospital and deliver her if her heart slowed but he says she can't make outside of the womb yet and so we wait......It's really not easy to have faith during times like these, I have no guarantee that God will give me the outcome I so desperately want. Our pastor mentioned in a sermon the other day that having faith means grabbing on to that skinny tree branch during a fall and not being sure that it can hold your weight. It's true, I'm just hanging on for dear life here, knowing that without faith I have nothing and trusting that God is going to catch me no matter what happens. God gave Canon life and I know He cherishes her, it may be His plan that I get to bring her into this world and it may not be. I just have to have the faith that whatever happens God is going to bring us through it. This is a letter I wrote to Canon last week...............

Dear Canon,

Yesterday I was getting ready for work and I put on a very special necklace Uncle Josh and Auntie Sarah gave me. I had thought the little gold charm hanging from it was a leaf but as I was putting it on I noticed it was a wing, an angel wing. The first 10 weeks of my pregnancy while you were growing in my tummy you had a twin with you. Because of your twin our OB sent us to see a very special doctor that knows all about babies growing in mommy’s tummies. When we saw that doctor he was able to tell right away how special you were going to be and at just 12 weeks he was able to see that there may be a tiny hole in your heart. Sometimes it’s really hard to understand why God gives us things and then takes them away. Sometimes you think you got something extra to redeem something lost, only to have the extra thing taken away also. Canon, trusting God, loving God and having faith do not preclude you from pain or suffering but what it will do is give you the strength, love and HOPE to move beyond loss and pain. That’s what God has given me. Every trial I’ve faced has developed faith and perseverance that is unexplainable and in the face of many challenges I find myself feeling joy I can’t explain and I know that only comes from God because it can’t possibly come from my heart. Daddy and I are really excited to meet you, we can’t wait to be your parents. Love, Mom